There are days, when even the most basic of human abilities evade me. Quite frankly it blows my mind. Things like packing up and going home from a destination should not be this hard.
And as I write this I realize that parenting actually requires the most complex human abilities – persuasion, negotiation, mediation, bartering, positioning. I could go on. But in parenting a tiny little irrational being has more control over it than I’d like to admit.
If you haven’t fully realized this yet, our children come to us as their own little person. As much as we think that we are in control of them we are not.
This concept was just vividly displayed to me in a battle of will between myself and my 4 year old. I might think that I am smarter than him, or stronger, or more persuasive. In fact, I am not. In fact he is getting harder for me to wrestle into his car seat against his will if needs be. He is ready to fight me to the end until one of our wills is sucked up by the others.
I guess there is one good thing in this . . . he knows what he wants and he won’t give up. A good quality to have in life. But in the aftermath it leaves me to ask myself, am I good enough?
It goes far beyond a car seat battle. It goes into the depths of the future near and far. Will I be able to steer him in the right direction in life? Will I be able to keep him safe amidst his own choices? Will I be able to let go and let him live with the consequences of his own choices one day? Am I screwing him up? Am I as good a parent as I could be? I don’t know.
And I’m left feeling totally inadequate, over a car seat battle, which to be honest, I lost. I was defeated – and left to project this type of dynamic into the teen age years and beyond. I put my head down on the steering wheel and cried.
Am I good enough?
Comments